Week 21 part 1
It’s 2:30 and I can’t sleep, again. In less than 12 hours I will put on my mask and gloves and walk alone into the medical building for my anatomy scan. Due to the virus, my husband isn’t allowed to go with me. He will sit in the car for the hour that my appointment takes. If we’re lucky, the WiFi will work, and I’ll be able to face time him so he can see his baby on the ultrasound.It will be my first time walking into this kind of appointment on my own. My first time holding my breath until the babies heartbeat shows up on the monitor. Thankfully he/she spends most days kicking me and wiggling now, so most of the fear about not seeing a heartbeat has dissipated. But I also know that this is the appointment they look for abnormalities and defects... and the idea that I might get bad news sitting alone in that room is terrifying.
All of this just feels overwhelming and not how it was supposed to be, and I am feeling all kinds of guilt because later today we get to find out our sweet babies gender and I’m not even excited anymore.
And I desperately want to be.
A sweet friend reminded me yesterday to be kind to myself, and not to feel pressured to feel any sort of way. But it’s hard when everyone else seems more excited than I am. When I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for 5 months while everyone else celebrates.
She sent over the verse Joel 2:25. A verse I’ve quoted myself in a very different season, and one I thought I understood.
“I will restore to you the years
that the swarming locust has eaten.”
Its a verse that I understand in a much deeper way now. After watching days and weeks and months blur together, all while my belly swells and my baby kicks inside of it.
And the whole world shifts.
Or at least mine does. Ours.
Week 21 part 2
It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep again, but in a different sort of way. A little more than 24 hours have passed since my last update, but sometimes life shifts dramatically in a small space of time, and I want to be authentic to that. It would be really easy to leave out one side or the other, but it wouldn’t be real.
Our baby BOY is doing summer-salts in the depth of my belly, and my brain just won’t seem to settle.
This whole time I’ve been convinced we were having a girl, to the point that I was shocked when I saw blue on our envelope and needed to sit with it for a minute. To evaluate whether I was genuinely disappointed or just surprised. I’ve settled on the latter though.
Somehow, I think I’m relieved. And for the first time in a really long time, excited. It’s funny how quickly everything shifts.
I can’t wait to meet this little man, but for now, I’m so grateful that he’s snuggled up safe and tight.